“It’s been a problem in past relationships,” I was telling a coworker last week, “but I won’t tell a woman I love her if I’m not feeling it at the time.”
“You’re kidding,” he said.
“No,” I replied, “it feels dishonest for me to say I’m feeling something when I’m not.”
My coworker shook his head and smiled. “You’ve gotta lie,” he said. He’s married and has a small child. He’s also got a Master’s degree in psychology. And he’s telling me I’ve got to lie.
At one time in life I was able to lie like that. But through a lot of work I’ve gotten to where I prefer to be emotionally honest. So what do I do? Do I let myself lie? Or do I hold my standards?
Either one presents problems. If I start lying it’s relaxing my standards. It’s backsliding. Why should I let go of so much work on myself? What type of relationship do I have if I settle for less than what I’ve progressed to? And the really hard one: how much do I let myself lie? What amount is okay? Is it a slippery slope that I could end up riding the mud all the way to hell on?
But if I hold my standards I severely limit the type of woman I can be with. If someone with a Master’s in psychology thinks it’s okay to lie, what percentage of midline women think so, too? How many people are honest on the level I’m on? There’s no way to know. Experience says that such a woman, single, is rare. I’ve run across lots of women who were married and able to tolerate emotional honesty. It’s probably why they’re still married.
By the way, I’ve been put into the trap before where a woman treats me badly, I don’t feel especially charitable toward her for it, and then she gets after me for not saying, “I love you”. I’ve no patience for such selfish and pitiful games anymore.
Maybe it’s fortunate that I’m past the age where I think I have to have a woman at my side. I don’t feel the need to produce any more children. My life is fulfilling without needing another person to complete it. Someone at my side, then, would be to complement what I’ve already got. Someone to share some mundane and some pretty awesome stuff called life. I could be happy with that.
No matter how much I question it, really, I refuse to start lying in an area I’ve learned to be honest about. If it keeps me single for the rest of my life, so be it.
